


Hate Follow

by Unda



Category: One Piece
Genre: Genderfluid Character, Other, Tumblr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-19
Updated: 2015-10-19
Packaged: 2018-04-27 04:46:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 13,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5034262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unda/pseuds/Unda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He knows that it's probably unhealthy to hate follow people on tumblr but THIS GUY, this fucking guy... he's just too much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A commission fic for Nanfoodle on tumblr. I hope that you like it!

Sanji hisses angrily at his phone, his hand tightening on his beer bottle. He knows that it's probably unhealthy to hate follow people on tumblr but THIS GUY, this fucking guy... he's just too much. Sanji considers it his moral obligation to stomp this asshole into the ground and now he's deliberately posting shit about one of Sanji's favourite movies and TAGGING HIM IN IT SO THAT HE CAN SEE.

 

"What are you snarling at, shit cook?" Zoro sighs from across their group's booth in the bar. Usopp suddenly looks like taking the spot between them was the worst idea that he's ever had.

 

"Nothing." Sanji grits out through his teeth, already thinking of a scathing reply to that asshole on tumblr.

 

"Well, the next time that you want to have an overblown reaction about 'nothing' do you think you could do it quietly?" Zoro says with that fucking shit grin. Sanji kicks him in the knee. He's just surrounded by shitty bastards isn't he?

 

‘@3blades wouldn’t know good taste if it shit in his ear. Howl’s redemption arc is the best, it’s pure character development and self-sacrifice. Fight me motherfucker.’

 

He slides his phone back into his pocket and glares at his beer. Howl’s Moving Castle is a great film and 3blades is completely wrong. He shakes it off and manages to focus back on talking to his friends.

 

He didn’t even join tumblr that long ago when he ran into that utter waste of skin that is 3blades. The thing isn’t that he’s awful, you can’t throw a rock on the internet without hitting some heinous hateful disgusting person. No, 3blades isn’t like them. 3blades isn’t a bigot or anything like that, not as far as Sanji knows anyway. He’s just aggressively awful in a whole bunch of irritating ways and he’s as bad at letting a grudge lie as Sanji is so Sanji spends a good deal of his time on tumblr either responding to the asshole’s harassment and jibes or combing his blog for things to get him back about. He spends comparatively little time actually doing what he came to do on tumblr which was to kill time, lust over cooking recipes, put up his own and look at stuff about his favourite shows and movies.

 

When he’s on the bus on the way home his phone pings. Because he’s not the one in control of the vehicle he’s able to open up the app and look at the notification. Even if he had a car he wouldn’t take it when they all go out drinking, his friends have never even heard of the word moderation, Zoro probably couldn’t even spell it sober.

 

‘@therealmasterchef is without a doubt just as shallow as Howl, I’d put money on it. And I could totally kick either of their asses in a fight’

 

It takes a bit of doing but when Sanji gets back he blows up a picture of 3blades’ avatar and prints it out. Sure it’s not his actual face, not unless 3blades actually is… well… three blades. It’ll have to do though. He tapes it to some plywood that he still had hanging around from one time when Usopp repaired his coffee table that he and Luffy had broken. Then he sets up his phone and starts filming. He doesn’t say anything or show his face, but the video of him easily kicking the board in half and ripping that asshole’s picture in two is more than enough. He posts it, tags that idiot and goes to bed.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Zoro actually likes a bunch of the stuff that he fights with Therealmasterchef about, he’s just fighting with him for the sake of fighting. Today though he really doesn’t feel like it. He’s not got dressed all day and he knows that he will have to later to go out but he doesn’t feel like it right now, he’s not eaten anything and it’s all just... awful. So when his phone pings with a post that he’s tagged in he knows that this is one thing that he can’t avoid, the guy will just keep pushing at him and he can’t handle it, not today.

 

‘I feel so sorry for the people who have to interact with @3blades in person. That food just looks sad. Overcooked eggs are a crime and he is guilty, guilty, guilty.’

 

He messages him, he doesn’t reblog it, he doesn’t need the attention.

 

‘Hey, can we not do this today?’ That’s all he says in the ask and as soon as that bastard publicly answers he knows that it’s the wrong thing for him to do.

 

‘Oh shit, @3blades is finally admitting defeat, it feels good to be right.’

 

It’s a stupid impulse but messaging him in the first place was dumb so he may as well roll with it. He reblogs the message with his own response.

 

‘No. a friend of mine died today. A few years ago but. Just back off for today, okay?’

 

He figures that’s the end of it until he sees the post pop up again just as he’s about to close the app on his phone.

 

‘I’m really sorry @3blades. Truce? It’s no fun taking you down when you’re not on your game. Let me know when you’re better and then I can wreck you properly.’

 

It’s the first smile that Zoro has had all day.

 

‘Thanks. Truce.’ He says in his reblog.

 

He closes the app on his phone for real and goes and eats a pathetic sandwich with stale bread and throws on some clothes. He heads out to Kuina’s grave and stays there for a few hours, talking to her about their lives and any inane shit that passes through his head. It’s what they used to do when she was alive. Eventually his mind lands back on Therealmasterchef.

 

“I can show you him, you’d like him, he tries so hard to kick my ass. I-” Zoro trails off. He’d gone into his mentions to find the guy’s post and seen one from someone else mocking him.

 

‘dont be such a fuckin pussy about it’

 

Zoro tenses up but Therealmasterchef has a notification on his mentions just after him with the same quote and for a second Zoro’s heart sinks. He open’s the guy’s blog and his mind changes instantly.

 

‘dont be such a fuckin pussy about it’

‘Shut your fucking mouth or I will personally destroy you. Some insecure asshole with Pokémon porn in their header has no goddamn right criticizing anyone and REALLY you’re gonna leap on this kind of serious shit? I hope you never have to go through that shit yourself because no one deserves that. I’ve been through something similar and anyone else who has can see that you are full of shit. If you even speak to him again I will tear your throat out with my teeth.’

 

“Like I said… you’d like him.” Zoro says quietly, leaning back against Kuina’s headstone and closing his eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

Sanji’s stupid microphone is broken. He’d wanted to post a video about cooking and a new recipe that he had come up with but now he can’t talk and explain things. He’ll just have to record it and run the whole thing with captions underneath it and gesture at things to show what he’s talking about. It’s really weird to record and he ends up having to talk out loud to himself alone in his home as he’s doing it and he can’t help but feel a little mad as he does it. 

Editing the damn thing and adding the captions takes forever and he actually has to excuse himself from a night out with his friends to get it done. That’s probably really anti-social but he likes the idea of doing these things regularly and he’s sure that the more he does it the more he’ll become quicker at editing them. At the very least after a few tries he’s not going to have to keep looking up questions on the damn editing software on google. 

When he posts his cooking video he gets lots of positive feedback, a tonne of reblogs, a bunch of new followers and, of course, a sarcastic reply from 3blades. 

‘you look like a street magician’

Sanji hates him so much. He hates him even more when he looks back at his video and sees that the way he’s silently gesturing to things and being expressive with his hands does have more than a passing resemblance to street magicians playing ‘find the lady’ style cons where suckers try to find the queen of hearts in three shuffled cards. Damn him. 

He puts up more videos and does so more regularly, he doesn’t bother to get his mic replaced right away and when he does he doesn’t bother using it. By then he’s developed a style and he’s got credit from people who need subtitles for using them so it’d be a shitty thing to take them away, plus if he’s speaking he’d have to edit out all of the times when he inadvertently trips over his own words or starts swearing profusely. 

He can never get the idea of looking like a street magician out of his head though.


	4. Chapter 4

‘Victory! The rent for the rest of the month and only a slight concussion to show for it!’

Zoro posts that and a shot of his winnings on tumblr and then heads to the freezer to grab his ice packs. He sets one on his bruised shoulder and sighs happily as the numbness sets in. That’ll take the swelling down.

He’s barely had time to think before he hears the ping of an email come into his phone. Lately he’s taken that to mean that someone has sent him a message on tumblr because goodness knows that the shitty phone app version of the site can’t do that. He also assumes that when he gets a message on tumblr directly into his inbox it’s Therealmasterchef, nine times out of ten he’s right. It’s usually the pair of them sniping at each other. Sometimes he replies publicly, but sometimes they just argue back and forth privately. It’s becomes something of a habit and Zoro would be lying if he said that he didn’t enjoy it. 

‘Therealmasterchef asked: How do you get rent and a concussion at the same time?’ 

‘I won it in a fight, obviously.’ He answers and rolls his eyes. 

‘Therealmasterchef said: What the fuck? Are you just attacking random people with your swords now? Not that I’ve ever seen these swords that you claim to have.’

Zoro glares at his phone. He wants to punch this asshole in the face. He’s not going to post pictures of his swords because they’re one of a kind and several of them are famous. If he posts pictures of them then anyone could find out who he is as he’s listed as the owner of them. 

‘No, it was a street fighting/MMA thing. I’m better with swords but you’re not allowed to show up with them. So I won the money, because I won.’ He answers and sets his phone down.

“Usopp! I’ve got the last of my half of the rent for the month! Do you want to take it and pay when you hand over yours?” Zoro shouts down the hallway. 

“Oh! You got the extra shifts at work then? Just send it to my bank account electronically un… unless…” Usopp comes out of his room and into the kitchen and sees where Zoro’s money is sat on the counter. 

“Again? Zoro that’s not good for you!” Usopp says despairingly. 

“Well, work wouldn’t give me the shifts so I had to get it somewhere. It’s fine. I won. I just sprained my shoulder is all.” Zoro says, carefully omitting the slight concussion part. 

“Zoro…” Usopp sighs but he takes the money when Zoro hands it to him. If Usopp was anyone but one of his oldest friends then Zoro wouldn’t trust him to pay both of their rents with the money he sends him every month and the cash that he tops it up with when he’s short on it. But this is Usopp and though Usopp lies a lot he’s not dishonest, as contradictory as that sounds. 

“Go to bed and rest, okay?” Usopp tells him with a worried look and Zoro nods, though he has no intention of sleeping until a decent number of hours have passed. Even he doesn’t want to sleep on a concussion, however mild. 

His phone pings with a new email and doubtlessly a new message from Therealmasterchef. He knows what he’ll be doing for the rest of the night. 

He walks to his room and opens his messages as he does so. 

‘Therealmasterchef said: at least go get that concussion checked out, idiot.’

Zoro pauses, for a second there he read that in Sanji’s voice. His concussion must be worse than he thought.


	5. Chapter 5

All he had tried to do was to post a recipe alongside his newest video, then as usual his arch enemy had added his own snarky commentary.

‘What’s the point of a wine list that long? Other alcohol is far better. Or do you just get people to drink all of that so that they forget how bad your cooking is?’

The first time that Sanji sees the words and tags he has to stare at them in shock and then go lay face down on his bed and wonder where he went wrong with his life. Eventually he has to get up and look at his computer again. 

‘OTP’  
‘I ship them so hard’  
‘hate crushing so hard there guys’

It’s not even like it’s just one person either, it’s SEVERAL. He screenshots that part of his screen and makes a post. 

‘@3blades Have you seen this shit? What’s going on?!’

‘@Therealmasterchef I have no idea. I’m horrified and confused at once.’

They’re both almost instantly flooded with messages.

Anonymous asked: the two of you are obsessed with each other, it’s really cute!

Anonymous asked: denial is a river in Egypt

Anonymous asked: it’s totally fine that you want the d. I just want to see what he looks like so I can draw fanart!

The more the two of them argue online the more it builds up, Sanji tries to ignore it, he really does but the idea of it is beyond disturbing. He knows enough about shipping to know that it’s people thinking that he and 3blades should be together, as in dating. As in him dating that utter asshole.

They still argue back and forth but a good deal more of it is private and Sanji shoves aside the idea that doing that fits with these idiots ideas of what they’re like. He tries to be more careful and only mocks 3blades in public on reasonable things. Well, kinda reasonable at least. He pauses when he sees 3blades’s latest post.

‘My friend is making me learn to play the guitar. He guilt-tripped me into it and now I’m stuck doing chords and if I don’t progress he won’t fix my car when the piece of shit thing breaks over and over’

Now that is something Sanji can’t resist needling him about.

‘Are you sure that you are just gonna play the one? Petition for @3blades to play a double necked guitar and for someone to strap a ukulele to his face so he can play it with his teeth. And then video it so I can laugh.’

Someone else adds onto it ‘If @3blades does that then I want to video of @Therealmasterchef ‘s reaction to seeing his hatecrush for the first time. So much swooning for sure.’ 

Enough is enough. 

‘therealmasterchef asked: are you getting this shit too? Every time I talk to you my inbox blows up’

‘3blades says: My follower count just doubled in the last month, what the fuck’

‘therealmasterchef asked: ahahah, so what then? You’re on two now?’

‘3blades says: so before this you were the only one following me? Huh, maybe they’re right about you.’

‘therealmasterchef asked: W HAT?? No! Fuck! Shut up, I didn’t mean that!’

‘3bladessays: AHAHAHAHA’

Sanji hates him so badly.


	6. Chapter 6

It’s a universal truth that the internet is both a wonderful and terrible place. It’s possible to stay mostly safe if you avoid googling dumb things or clicking on dubious things, but the problem with social media like tumblr is that it’s impossible to control the things that come across your dashboard beyond simply changing who you follow.

 

Sanji gets subjected to a lot of things on his dash because of the people that he follows. Things about shows he doesn’t watch, spoilers for shows that he does, unending numbers of gifs of shows that he had never heard of but feels like he could talk confidently about now. Really it was only a matter of time until this sort of thing came to him.

 

_Genderfluid_

 

_Adjective_

 

_Noting or relating to a person whose gender identity or gender expression is not fixed and shifts over time or depending on the situation. Genders can include, but are in no way limited to, man/woman, bigender, agender, non-binary, etc. Gender identity is different from sexual orientation. Gender identity is defined as one's internal sense of being a woman, man, both, or neither, while sexual orientation refers to an individual's enduring physical, romantic, and/or emotional attraction to others._

 

Sanji’s hand is frozen on his laptop. This shouldn’t have stopped him. This doesn’t have anything to do with him. In fact he should be able to shake it off, it should remind him of Iva and his gang of weirdos and make him laugh. It shouldn’t settle uneasily in his chest like this, it shouldn’t remind him of how some days he feels the absolute best in his designer suits but some days he feels entirely ambivalent in ways that have nothing to do with having a bad hair day or just not looking his best. It also shouldn't quietly resonate with how sometimes he looks at Nami’s curvy form in her stylish clothes and his feelings are both attraction and also… maybe… a touch of envy.

 

He sucks in a sharp breath and shoves himself back from his laptop like it was a giant spider. No, this is not happening. He’s a man, a normal man 100% of the time and anything otherwise is just… just him admiring what women look like, because he’s attracted to them. He pulls his laptop closer again and reads over the words one more time, just to prove to himself that they don’t apply to him.

 

He reads them over again and feels that disquieting echo within himself. He snaps the laptop shut, and flings it into his pile of dirty laundry and crawls under the covers of his bed like a scared kid hiding away. He doesn’t care that he meant to answer that goading message from 3blades or that he has work this evening, he can’t deal with either of those things. He just wants to fall asleep and have everything be better in the morning.

 

He texts Zeff to say that he can’t come in, something he almost never does, and sends the same text to Patty and Carne just in case Zeff forgot to charge his phone like he keeps doing. He kicks off his jeans and gets under his covers, pulling them up under his chin. He spares one glare at his treacherous laptop before turning off the light.

 


	7. Chapter 7

No one has seen Sanji in three days. It’s not unusual for their friends to not see Sanji in that long, the idiot chef does overwork himself after all. However, no one has heard from him either, no texts or messages and Zeff hasn’t seen him either. The only reason that they know he’s not dead is that he’s still texting Zeff to tell him that he’s not going to make his shifts.

 

Normally Zoro wouldn’t go along to this kind of thing. Sanji can handle himself after all. No matter how much they argue and how little they get on for most of the time he does trust the blond to handle himself, he’s tough. But he is a little concerned, it’s not like him to miss work. Between Sanji’s absence and the disappearance of the Therealmasterchef he feels like he needs to get at least one of them back and as he has no idea where the hell his online hate-friend is, he’s settling for bringing Sanji back into the real world.

 

Plus Franky wanted to go and Franky just fixed his car so Zoro’s not going to say no and piss him off.

 

He hammers on Sanji’s door and Nami sighs at him.

 

“We’re trying to get his attention, not break in, Zoro.” Nami says.

 

“Maybe we’ll have to do that eventually and I’m just ahead of the rest of you.” Zoro retorts and Nami sighs and shakes her head.

 

“Hey Sanji! Are you in there?” Franky bellows, cupping his hands over his mouth in an effort to make his voice louder and to truly deafen Zoro.

 

“Sanji! Let us iiiiiiin.” Luffy whines and scratches at the door. Zoro is momentarily reminded of a puppy.

 

“I hope he’s not dead.” Robin says worriedly, Zoro turns to stare at her and pats Chopper’s head as the kid clings to him with tearful eyes.

 

“How is he calling in sick to work if he’s dead?” Usopp points out and Robin makes a thoughtful hum as if she hadn’t considered that corpses couldn’t use phones.

 

Luffy is now drumming on the door with his fists with him, Usopp, Chopper and now Franky as well all hollering the blond’s name. Zoro puts his fingers in his ears.

 

“Cut that out, you’re gonna get me evicted!” Sanji hisses, flinging the door open so fast that the idiot trio all fall face first on Sanji’s floor, leaving Franky with his fist in the air where the door was and looking down at his fallen friends.

 

“What’re you all doing here?” Sanji asks, smushing his bare foot into Luffy’s face and rolling him about slightly as Luffy flails and whines.

 

The cook certainly doesn’t look sick, he’s in his pyjamas with the ridiculous little ducks on but he looks just fine to Zoro. He’d have to get Chopper to give a definitive medical opinion but in Zoro’s view Sanji isn’t sick at all. So why is he missing work for the first time in forever? Zoro’s only known him to miss work once and that was when he fractured his shin the whole way through and Chopper damn near taped him to the bed to keep him from going in. So what’s so badly wrong that Sanji would miss work like this?

 

“We’re worried about you, Sanji.” Nami tells him, her voice ringing clear with concern. Even though Nami often has a funny way of showing it, yelling at them, charging them interest on tiny loans, making them do her bidding, Nami does love her friends dearly and Zoro would personally cave in the face of anyone who said otherwise. He and Nami are very binary, either they’re getting on or they’re not but right now he’s in agreement with Nami, something is really wrong with Sanji.

 

Zoro watches as Sanji’s eyes, or the one that Zoro can see, flicks up and down Nami’s form as the pervert often does but this time it’s different. Sanji looks Nami up and down and Zoro catches a flicker of both pain and disgust in his expression, it was a real quick blink-and-miss-it thing but it was there. Something is _really_ wrong here.

 

“What’s wrong?” Zoro asks and Sanji’s eyes turn on him now.

 

“Why do you care?” Sanji challenges him.

 

“Don’t pull that shit with me curly brow, if you don’t want to talk to me then that’s fine, but talk to someone. Something’s wrong.” He tells Sanji and the blond stares at him and Zoro’s not sure if he’s surprised or touched or confused or some mix of all of them.

 

“Do you have to be so insulting to him when you’re nice?” Franky asks with a sigh.

 

“Yeah, we didn’t come here to upset him!” Nami agrees. Zoro squints as Sanji seems to cringe backwards and his eyes flick from Nami to Zoro and back a few times. Sanji makes this distressed noise and their whole group focuses on him again.

 

“Thank you all for your concern, it’s very sweet but I have to go now, okay bye.” Sanji says in one long stream, shoves Luffy back enough and then slams the door shut.

 

The group all stares at the shut door for a moment and then half of them turn to look at him with accusing stares.

 

“What? It wasn’t my fault!” Zoro protests but Nami just throws her hands up in the air in exasperation and Franky smacks him on the back of the head. They leave Sanji behind his shut door with whatever it is that’s bothering him. No doubt if he continues to be elusive then they’ll be back again. Sanji can’t resist the combined pestering force of all of them.

 


	8. Chapter 8

“This is all your fault!” Sanji declares, bursting through the doors of the Okama Way bar, nightclub and restaurant. The effect of the dramatic entrance is somewhat ruined by the fact that Iva isn’t right there and Sanji has to stomp off to another part in the building to find him and repeat himself by bursting through his office door this time.

 

“What’s my fault? Also it’s good to see you again candy boy.” Iva purrs, using the nickname that he tarred Sanji with when he was forced to work there for the internship part of his chef’s qualification. He could have worked with Zeff except for the fact that a review from his old man wouldn’t have been accepted and so Sanji had been stuck toiling under the oppressive weirdness of this purple haired freak. Only now Sanji is apparently just as bad.

 

“It’s your fault, you screwed with my gender, I hate you!” Sanji shouts and it feels like there’s something bright and painful in his chest. He hates this, he’s been hiding himself away trying to convince himself that there’s nothing wrong with how he is and that he’s not this… this other thing instead.

 

"Gender is internal, candy. There's nothing anyone can do to change yours. What's wrong?" Iva asks with a gentleness in his tone that makes Sanji want to scream. He doesn't want Iva's sympathy or pity, he wants to be justifiably angry.

 

"You! I was online and I ran over this stupid article and it was going on about genderfluid and feeling like you fluctuate from one gender to-" He starts to babble but his voice is climbing into that stupid unsteady pitch that it does when he cries but he hasn't cried in years and shit, he's crying now.

 

"I know what genderfluid is. And you felt like you saw yourself in that." Iva concludes with a nod and moves around his desk where he had been sorting papers until Sanji burst into his office flinging accusations.

 

"Yeah, and it's your fault. You must have... have... done something. I don't know. I used to be normal. I want to be normal." Sanji says, his hands tensed into tight fists at his sides.

 

"Pft, normal. I've never met a normal person in my life and I'm older than you might think when you look at me you know." Iva says with a nod and a lipsticked pout, clearly trying to show off how 'youthful' he apparently looks. Unless Iva is secretly sixty then Sanji thinks he looks just as old as he is, otherwise he's not surprised.

 

"Well I want to be." Sanji says quietly.

 

"Hm, I'm not surprised. You always were very straight laced with your masculinity. Almost as if you were trying to prove something, hm?" Iva says in a pointed tone and reaches over his desk to pull a tissue out of the box in his desk to give to Sanji. Sanji takes it, not that he's been crying.

 

"What am I supposed to do now? I've been avoiding everyone all week and I've been freaking out and..." Sanji trails off, not even knowing how to properly explain the ups and downs that he's had. He's been switching between a horrified feeling of 'this explains so much' and utter denial along with a large helping of self-hatred. Half of the reason that he came out here was to give him someone to hate and be angry at that wasn't HIMSELF.

 

"You don't have to do anything if you don't want to. You can just keep going on as you were and just knowing something different about yourself." Iva says simply and Sanji stares. What's he talking about? This changes everything!

 

"Hah, you mean you're not going to force me into a dress again?" Sanji snorts, remembering all too well being ganged up on one night by a bunch of Iva's shitty friends and patrons. Sanji is only glad that there is no photographic evidence of it left, he destroyed all of it.

 

"Oh that was just good fun, the worst thing we did was choose a terrible dress for you. But you don't have to change how you dress, you can if you want to but you don't have to. You don't have to do anything or tell anyone if you don't want to. Anyway, the fewer people looking as fabulous as me the better, I don't want the competition." Iva laughs in his stupid hee-haw laugh. Sanji would try to consider anyone else trying to wear what Iva is wearing and look worse in it but he doesn't want to lose his lunch.

 

"What about pronouns?" Sanji asks because that was the thing that had come up on his dashboard on tumblr in the first place, information about pronouns and why someone would change them, that and the damn definition of genderfluid that had turned his stupid life upside down.

 

"Oh, someone has been researching. If they bother you then tell people to use ones that don't bother you and kick in the face of anyone who argues with you on it." Iva smiles wide and catlike.

 

Sanji sits on the desk and scuffs the sole of one shoe on the floor. When his friends had come to see him the other day he felt this unpleasant twinge of 'not me' every time they had said 'he' but he's pretty sure that it would have felt even more strange if they'd said she. The post online had said about using 'they' instead of 'he' or 'she' and it sounds dumb but it doesn't give him that internal flinch that either of the others gave him. The worst thing was looking at Zoro and Nami side by side and seeing parts of himself (themselves? Shit that sounds dumb) in both of them. Though Sanji will forever be better dressed than Zoro who still wears that threadbare shirt with the little holes in and had bandages on his knuckles from doing who knows what.

 

"I need to think." Sanji says slowly.

 

"Any time you need me I'm here, candy." Iva says with surprising sincerity.

 

"Thanks... Iva." Sanji says slowly, not expecting to ever say that.

 

"Now, shoo. I have a business to run." Iva says and waves his hands at Sanji like he can waft the cook right out of his office. Sanji cracks a smile, a weak one but still a smile, and leaves feeling surprisingly better than before.


	9. Chapter 9

Zoro’s phone pings and he twists to fish it out of his pocket, the way that he’s sat sideways in the armchair with his legs over one arm of it doesn’t make it any better.

 

“You’re glued to that thing lately.” Usopp remarks, looking sidelong at Zoro as he opens up his email.

 

“Says you, you’ve been stuck to your laptop all day.” Zoro shoots back.

 

“I’m editing a video, it’s very important.” Usopp protests with a pout.

 

“It’s six seconds long and for that vine thing, it’s just you telling dumb jokes to yourself.” Zoro sighs. Usopp had to keep doing new takes because he kept making himself giggle.

 

“Hey, I have a duty to my 8000 followers to keep them updated with amusing content. That’s more followers than you have and from what you said you got most of yours from fighting with your boyfriend.” Usopp says with a smile. He hasn’t stopped bragging about passing the 8000 mark since he hit it on Monday and he’s genuinely pleased enough for Zoro to let him enjoy it for a while longer, even though it’s annoying by now.

 

“He’s not my boyfriend, I hate him.” Zoro responds sharply and shifts back in his chair with his retrieved phone and looks at it. It’s him! It’s Therealmasterchef!

 

Therealmasterchef asked: Holy shit, how many petty little messages did you leave me when I was gone? Are you that desperate to start a fight with me or did you just miss me?

 

Zoro thinks that it’s both.

 

“Oooh, it’s him isn’t it? Look at how you’re smiling, it’s so sweet!” Usopp teases him and it’s only when Usopp says it that Zoro realises that he is smiling about it.

 

Zoro wants to tell himself that he was just concerned and is glad to have his hate-friend back but he’s not really in the business of lying to himself. He might have a tiny fucked up crush going on here.

 

“Shut up.” He mutters and sinks into the chair as he shoots a reply back to Therealmasterchef.

 

3blades answered: Someone needs to tell you how awful you are. And I’m good at it so I do it. Where was your dumb ass for a week anyway? If you were on holiday I would have expected bragging and pictures of exotic food.

 

Zoro purses his lips, he knows that he must sound… what? Clingy? Desperate? He’s not though, he’s really not, he’s just concerned.

 

It has been a worryingly large number of minutes since he sent that message and has got no answer back. When an answer finally comes in it’s just ‘do you really want to know’ in all lowercase and without any punctuation, something that the guy is anal about. Zoro doesn’t know when he memorised his quirks and habits in writing but apparently he did.

 

‘yes’ he sends back and then waits. When the other man sends him a message back it’s with his username again, only this time it’s for skype. Zoro scrambles out of his chair and ignores the quiet way that Usopp snickers at him for it. He goes to his room and hastily gets his laptop working, pausing only for the achingly long steps that is creating a skype account, he follows his friend’s lead and just copes across his tumblr name only this time he’s allowed spaces in how his name appears which is nice. He signs in and adds the details that Therealmasterchef gave him.

 

**3 blades**

It’s me

**The Real Masterchef**

Oh “me”.

How very helpful. Thank you so much, everything is so clear now!

**3 blades**

So you’re an asshole in real time then too. Great

Remind me why I gave a shit that you went missing

**The Real Masterchef**

Because apparently you care about me. It’s sweet really.

**3 blades**

I don’t care

**The Real Masterchef**

The half a million messages you sent me begs to differ. You like me.

 

 

Zoro pauses and glares at his screen. Okay so maybe he is being a little obvious but he was legitimately concerned.

 

**3 blades**

Weren’t you supposed to be telling me why you vanished?

If you’re not there when I point out how you’re wrong about everything I just look like a jerk

 

 

Zoro is starting to get concerned about the significant pause since his question and any response. Maybe the guy just got distracted or had something he needed to do. It’s not like Zoro is asking something that he shouldn’t be, this is the reason they’re talking in the first place.

 

 

**The Real Masterchef**

You hate me, right?

Like I hate you, that is. Not in the way I hate serial killers and people who throw unwanted kittens in the river kind of way. But in the ‘you’re an asshole and you frustrate me’ kind of way.

**3 blades**

Yeah

Unless you become less awful or that kind of awful I think that’s gonna hold up

**The Real Masterchef**

Well

I was having a crisis.

**3 blades**

Thanks for explaining moron

**The Real Masterchef**

Stop interrupting you bastard!

**3 blades**

It’s not interrupting if you wait that long before saying something

**The Real Masterchef**

You’re interrupting now.

**3 blades**

I already want to punch you in the face and it’s not even been five minutes since you came back

**The Real Masterchef**

The feeling is mutual.

It was a gender based crisis okay? I’m…

Look.

Here.

 

 

Zoro gets spammed with two links that he takes the time to read and they go on about gender identities and all other sorts of things that seem to be serious, even if he doesn’t really get them. He doesn’t get how someone can’t feel like what they are, but just because he doesn’t get something doesn’t mean it isn’t real. He doesn’t get how all of Chopper’s medical stuff works or why anyone would willingly sign up to stick their hands inside the guts of other people, but they still do. He doesn't get how Nami can enjoy making really detailed maps of things but she does. So this is the same, if his friend says that's how things are then Zoro will take that.

 

When he comes back to skype there’s a spam of messages and Zoro probably should have answered some of them but he was busy reading, damnit!

 

**The Real Masterchef**

So, it’s ‘they’ not he.

And I know it sounds dumb but there is literally no other word that works.

…

Wow you’re a slow reader.

Uh… 3blades?

Shit.

Okay, you know what, forget I just sent you that.

Hahaha, I was joking.

Okay, fuck you for not even responding.

I can’t believe I even told you, what was I thinking?

So yeah, fuck you.

**3 blades**

Calm down idiot

I was reading

I’m not gonna run back here every time you have something stupid to say

**The Real Masterchef**

Nothing I say is stupid!

And what kind of shitty reading speed do you have to leave me hanging that long?

Would it have killed you to have answered?!

I oughta break your face!

**3 blades**

No way you’d ever win in a fight against me

So

That’s you huh?

They right?

**The Real Masterchef**

For the love of god would it kill you to use some punctuation beyond question marks?

Every time I read what you write I feel myself getting dumber.

Are you allergic to commas or something?

**3 blades**

should i wait over here till you get back on topic

oh look no punctuation or captials

im deliberately dropping them now just to piss you off

**The Real Masterchef**

You are the worst person that I know. There goes my IQ.

And… yeah. That’s me.

**3 blades**

alright

**The Real Masterchef**

“alright”?

Seriously? I freaked out for a week and all you can say about this life changing revelation is “alright”?!

**3 blades**

yeah

**The Real Masterchef**

You are terrible.

But, thanks. I guess.

 

 

Zoro pauses and considers what he’s going to type before he does it. He’s not egotistical enough to think that his friend cares about this opinion enough to care about what he thinks that it warrants a week of panic. So maybe it’s not too bad to ask.

 

**3 blades**

told anyone else yet

**The Real Masterchef**

No.

And please start punctuating again. PLEASE.

**3 blades**

if you tell me why you havent then ill start again

**The Real Masterchef**

Don’t hold punctuation hostage like that. It’s cruel.

And I’ve not told them yet because… I guess I’m scared. Not that I’m ever scared of anything.

But I’ve known them for years and years, if they react badly I don’t know what I’ll do.

If you’d hated me I could have blocked you and avoided you and just been disappointed.

It’s harder to do that with people you know in the real world.

Though I suppose you’re in the real world too. I don’t know what the word for that is.

**3 blades**

Meatspace?

**The Real Masterchef**

Gross. I like it.

**3 blades**

If they hate you for it they’re not friends though

**The Real Masterchef**

Yeah, and finding out that people you thought were your friends aren’t would hurt.

Dumbass.

**3 blades**

Ugh. You’re right about something.

Something is wrong with the world when that happens

**The Real Masterchef**

Ha ha ha. Fuck you.

 

 

Zoro grins to himself. This is way more fun in real time. It reminds him vaguely of arguing with Sanji, only this is more fun and doesn’t devolve into a physical fight. Not to say that he doesn’t enjoy brawling with Sanji but it’s not a good idea to do that normally, both because it pisses everyone else off and things get broken.

 


	10. Chapter 10

Ever since Sanji gave 3blades their Skype information the pair of them have been messaging back and forth. Not every day of course, and if it’s something quick then tumblr usually does the job. They’ve got a nice game of ‘I saw this and thought of you’ going on which involves very creative pictures and had started with 3blades sending a picture of a trash bag.

 

Sanji has to admit though that talking to 3blades is… nice. It’s good to have someone that it’s okay to yell at and know that he’s going to push back against Sanji just as much. There are some things that Sanji doesn’t bring up though and this kind of shit is one of them.

 

‘Good news: I paid off my debt. Bad news: I am now $500 short on my rent. Let’s hope I can pick up money at a fight and an extra shift or two at work’

 

Sanji’s mouth turns down in displeasure. 3blades shouldn’t have to be in that position.

 

‘Why did you pay your debt off if it would just *put* you in a different kind of debt? If you look as dumb as you act then I feel sorry for everyone who has to look at you. What’re you gonna do for money?’ Sanji snarks back, reblogging 3blade’s post. Not that Sanji ever wonders what 3blades looks like.

 

Before too long there are a bunch of reblogs. Sanji has started to notice the names of the ones who ‘ship’ the pair of them and it’s one of them who runs with the fucking idea that some genuinely helpful person came up with and it takes off like a jet engine.

 

‘You can play guitar right? Set up a kickstarter to perform for us, that’d be cool!’

 

‘Oh god. If you play [this song ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2hYAb87Qo8)for @Therealmasterchef I will totally donate all that I can! Do itttt’

 

‘Petition for this to be a thing! That’s the perfect song for these two! I would also pay to see/hear that!’

 

‘OMG!! Yes! So much yes’

 

‘plz plz!’

 

Sanji grins and reblogs the longest chain.

 

‘I’m not going to listen to that song until *you* play it. Anything that humiliates you is worth it, even if I have to pay to see it.’ Sanji sends the message off where it’s met with a stream of fluttering declarations of people’s ships being real, but eventually 3blades replies.

 

‘I’m not doing that for your benefit for anything less than $1000, cook. So put your money where your mouth is cause it’s not gonna happen.’

 

3blades actually linked a kickstarter that he’d set up. Fucking yes. Sanji calculates money and checks it online with the bank and then promptly shifts $200 dollars into the kickstarter right away under the name Therealmasterchef and just leaving the message ‘eat it’ for 3blades to read. The blond reblogs the shit out of that post and refreshes the kickstarter page over and over.

 

It gets funded within the hour.

 

3blades asks: fuck you cook

 

Therealmasterchef says: Is that an offer? Are our followers right? I’m shocked.

 

That one Sanji posts publicly because they have a tradition of being an asshole to 3blades to keep up.

 

‘Give me a week to learn the chords.’ 3blades tells everyone else.

 

Sanji is entirely prepared to call him on that bullshit if he doesn’t deliver but just at the week mark 3blades comes through.

 

The post starts with Sanji’s account tagged in it, the song title ‘Nemeses – Johnathan Coulton’ and that’s all there is before the video. Sanji plays it and settles in to watch.

 

The video is shot at the guy’s shoulder level and Sanji can’t blame him, not with all of the promises of fanart of them going around. 3blades is holding up paper to the camera, it focuses on the words.

 

‘For TheRealMasterChef, so that you can’t say that this isn’t me. 3blades.’

 

He drops it and clears his throat, his fingers settle into position and he starts singing just a split second before he starts playing.

 

“ _It's an amazing smile_

_Even the suit has teeth_

_Everything flash and guile_

_And nothing underneath_

_Except a small black heart that no one sees but me_

_I've been watching, I can see you start to wonder”_

 

Sanji’s jaw all but hits the desk. 3blades is good, REALLY fucking good. But shit is voice is… holy shit.

 

“ _Could it be that you need me_

_To keep you out, to run you faster_

_Promise me you'll let me be_

_The one, the worst of all your enemies_

_Pretending you're a friend to me_

_Say that we'll be nemeses”_

 

Sanji’s heart is threatening to burst right through the ribs surrounding it, it’s in cahoots with the throat doesn’t seem to be working either. Sanji hadn’t expected this, hadn’t expected this to feel like… like some kind of proposal or offer for something that Sanji doesn’t know the name for.

 

“ _Being a brilliant man_

_Going to great expense_

_Devising a master plan_

_Doesn't make much sense_

_Unless you find the one you're destined to destroy_

_Now that you're here I don't seem that crazy do I?”_

 

Holy shit. Was… was 3blades thinking about this the whole time that he was practicing and playing this? What was he imagining? Was it his boasts that he could come and crush Sanji into the ground in person if they ever met and the claims that Sanji is lucky that they won’t ever meet? Because Sanji isn’t so sure about that right now, fighting 3blades with this song between them sounds great, no matter who gets ground down underfoot at the end.

 

“ _Could it be that you need me_

_To keep you out, to run you faster_

_Promise me you'll let me be_

_The one, the worst of all your enemies_

_Pretending you're a friend to me_

_Say that we'll be nemeses”_

 

“Yes.” Sanji chokes out, their nails biting little crescent shapes into their palms.

 

“ _Ah yes, my old friend_

_You are a master of this game_

_The hidden blade when you pretend_

_That you don't even know my name_

_Well played”_

 

Sanji is not imagining the stress on the word blade there or the helpless little whine that couldn’t come from anyone else in the room but Sanji.

 

“ _Sometimes it's hard to tell_

_If you even notice me_

_Maybe it's just as well_

_It's better you don't see_

_The way I'm running just to keep your back in view_

_In your shadow waiting for the perfect moment”_

 

Sanji’s mouth is open in a soundless exhale and the treacherous lungs in Sanji’s chest are acting like they’ve forgotten how to do their fucking job.

 

“ _Could it be that you need me_

_To keep you out, to run you faster_

_Promise me you'll let me be_

_The one, the worst of all your enemies_

_Pretending you're a friend to me_

_Say that we'll be nemeses”_

 

As the video turns off Sanji stares blankly at the screen and feels just how hard their heart is hammering. Sanji’s pulse would struggle to run faster than this if spiders burst out from under the laptop keys. Sanji isn’t dumb enough to pretend to have no idea what their racing heart means. Shit, those shipping assholes on tumblr were on to something. 


	11. Chapter 11

“You’re pining.” Usopp says and Zoro looks up from his phone. He had been talking to Therealmasterchef earlier but they were going somewhere so Zoro hasn’t been able to skype them all evening and Zoro's been quietly hoping that they'll come back early.

 

“I am not.” Zoro mutters, shoving his phone in his pocket.

 

“You are! You’re always talking to him- ah, them. And now that you can’t you’re pouting.” Usopp says, the brave look on his face vanishes when Zoro glares at him. He is NOT pouting, or pining for that matter.

 

“I am not.” Zoro answers and glares at the table of their usual booth in their favourite bar.

 

“Why don’t you just say how you feel? H-they might feel the same too, you know.” Usopp suggests gently and Zoro snorts. That’s not fucking likely.

 

“Because I have no idea where they live and I can’t do the long distance thing even if they did like me.” Zoro admits. It’s frustrating enough to feel what he does without being able to see his hatecrush but trying to have a relationship like that would be impossible. Sure, some people manage it but he’s not sure that he could.

 

“Oh, Zoro likes someone does he?” Franky chuckles and Zoro whips around in his seat to see his older friend leaning over them with drinks in hand.

 

“No.” Zoro answers sharply and takes his drink from Franky’s hand as Usopp does the same, leaving Franky with just his own coke. Franky almost always offers to drive and Zoro is convinced that it’s because he prefers cola to damn near anything else. Also he can act just as irresponsibly sober as he can drunk.

 

“Oh, is this who you learnt the song for?” Franky says with a sly smile creeping into his face as he sits down.

 

“No.” Zoro repeats and Usopp nods enthusiastically. Zoro glares at his treacherous roommate.

 

“Wait… it wasn’t _Sanji_ was it?” Franky asks, looking over his shoulder towards the bar where the rest of their group is.

 

“No! And don’t _say_ that, what if he heard you?” He snarls and Zoro checks that Sanji is far enough away that there’s no way he heard. Talking about his current hopeless romantic inclinations and then bringing up his past ones with Sanji, well, it’s enough to make his heart ache a little in his chest. So he had a thing for Sanji once, it was blatantly one sided and he barely even thinks about it now. That doesn’t mean he wants Sanji hearing about it though.

 

“Then he’d actually know how you felt.” Franky points out and Zoro grits his teeth.

 

“I don’t feel like that about him now, and I tried to tell him back then he just-” Zoro shakes his head, he doesn’t want to rehash that memory.

 

“He tried to once, it went badly.” Usopp fills in for him sympathetically.

 

“But you should still tell your friend how you feel, they might feel the same you know.” Usopp says, looking at Zoro now with sincerity in his eyes. For a moment Zoro it buoyed by hope, maybe he can say how he feels and hopefully have his feelings returned and-

 

“Holy shit, is some poor unfortunate soul going to get told that Zoro likes them?” Sanji laughs, coming back to their booth and Zoro feels like someone just upended a bucket of ice water on him.

 

“Seriously, who’d want to date you?” Sanji says with a sharp-toothed grin, and slides into his seat. Zoro’s heart clenches in pain, both because his old love just re-rejected him and because the asshole has a point, his friend isn’t going to want him. He doesn’t even know their fucking name.

 

“Hey Nami, I bet I can outdrink you.” Zoro shouts across to Nami at the bar who’s face lights up at the words ‘bet’ and ‘drink’. He downs his drink as fast as he can swallow it and leaves to go to her, only just catching Sanji’s petulant tones of ‘What? I’m just fucking with him.’ behind him. 


	12. Chapter 12

**3 blades**

why re you a million miles away

 

Sanji squints at the message, they were just about to go to bed when skype pinged. Sanji had turned it off for the evening out because the last thing that Sanji wanted to be was one of those assholes who went out with people but never stopped staring at their phone. Unfortunate crush or not Sanji still has friends in what 3blades calls ‘meatspace’.

 

**The Real Masterchef**

Even the moon is less than a million miles from you, idiot.

And you don’t know where I live anyway.

**3 blades**

you could be on the moon

doesnt matter

shouldve gon drinkin with you instead

 

Sanji squints at the phone and leaves the bathroom, flicking off the light. Thankfully Sanji’s laptop is relatively new so it picks up right where it left off when Sanji shut it before. Skype on there thinks about it for a second before catching up to their conversation.

 

Looking at it on the screen Sanji is pretty damn sure that something is up. 3blades has pretty bad punctuation and sometimes spelling, but nothing like this.

 

**The Real Masterchef**

Are you drunk?

**3 blades**

No.

I won the drinking game so im not drunk

it would have been better if you were there

wish u were

 

Sanji’s heart clutches like a heart attack and Sanji is sure that every inch of their face must be red. Does he actually mean that? Was he out tonight wishing for Sanji to be there? Longing even? Sanji eyes their phone knowing that 3 blades’ song on there must have hundreds and hundreds of plays on it, Sanji’s done more than their fair share of longing too.

 

But…

 

**The Real Masterchef**

I think that you probably are drunk.

Not that it would be terrible to go out drinking with you.

I just think that you are probably more drunk than you think right now.

**3 blades**

Ljsgj;

J

Hi! Sorry about that. My friend is very VERY drunk and you’re right, he probably shouldn’t be messaging you right now.

So I’m taking his phone away.

**The Real Masterchef**

Is he going to be okay?

 

 

Sanji can’t help but he worried, not everyone has the same kind of monster tolerances that their group of friends has. Nami’s is incredible, Zoro’s is inhuman and the rest of their group are nothing to be sneezed at either.

 

 

**3 blades**

Oh, he’ll be fine. He was just drowning his sorrows a little.

**The Real Masterchef**

Shit, what happened?

Again, is he okay?

**3 blades**

A guy he used to like was with us and just said the same thing he did to reject him

Or at least what he said to shoot him down before uh… 3blades (really, that’s the name he picked? Wow) could ask properly.

**The Real Masterchef**

Wait. Some asshole rejected him?

And then DID IT AGAIN?

**3 blades**

Not deliberately, he’s still our friend and everything. He's a good guy.

I don’t think he really knew, he was just joking.

 

Sanji is fucking livid. Sanji is unbelievably jealous and furious. Fuck, if 3blades gave Sanji even half of a chance they would jump so high at the offer. Yet this asshole had his affection for-

 

**The Real Masterchef**

How long had he liked him for anyway?

 

This probably is masochism on Sanji’s part, finding out about their crush’s love life. A love life that absolutely does not include Sanji. But fuck, Sanji wants to be the one who makes his heart race, they want to be the one that 3blades goes drinking with. Hell, he said it just then. If 3blades wasn’t… wherever he was then they could do that and Sanji could keep him away from the undeserving guy who shot him down.

 

**3 blades**

Uh… I’m not sure I should be telling you this.

But…

We all knew each other as teenagers you know? And he had this crush on him for the longest time, years really.

Since he was 16 and he's 21 now.

I’ve got no idea how the guy didn’t know.

He’s not as over it as he thinks he is, that’s all I’m saying.

 

Sanji’s heart sinks. Stupid, stupid, stupid. How can Sanji possibly get a place in this guy’s heart when that old unrequited flame is in the way? Shit. Still, they’re friends and he needs to act like one.

 

**The Real Masterchef**

Shit.

Can you look after him please?

Make sure that his dumb ass doesn’t have alcohol poisoning or whatever.

**3 blades**

I will, thanks.

He talks about you a lot you know.

 

 

Sanji’s breathing stops.

 

 

**3blades**

Anyway, I’d better make sure he’s not passed out on the floor or something.

Bye!

**The Real Masterchef**

Bye

 

 

3 Blades’ friend goes offline and Sanji stares at the screen before re-reading the conversation again and again.

 

‘ _He talks about you a lot’_

 

Oh sure, that’s not going to echo around Sanji’s head all night. It’s not as if they needed to sleep or anything.

 


	13. Chapter 13

Zoro blearily looks around for his phone as the shocking ache of an incredibly rare hangover goes through his skull. He pieces the path of bad decisions together. Wishing that he could have the relationship with TheRealMasterChef that he wants, feeling shit about it because he couldn't, being reminded of his old one sided thing with Sanji, Sanji mocking him, getting drunk with Nami...

 

He has no idea how he got home. That is really rare for him to be missing time like that. Well, it'll probably come back to him. He sits up carefully and is pleased to find that he's not nauseous or anything, clearly he's not become that much of a lightweight. Now where is his damn phone?

 

“Usopp?” Zoro calls out croakily as he comes out into the hallway. Damn, his mouth is drier than a desert.

 

“Hey, you're alive! How do you feel?” Usopp asks, twisting around on the sofa to look at him.

 

“Kinda shit, getting better. Have you seen my phone?” He asks, bending down and drinking straight from the tap. Sanji would bitch at him for that. Oh shit, is he really going to go through reflexively thinking about what Sanji would think? He hates himself for ever going through that phase, it was pathetic and unlike him and he doesn't want it back.

 

“I've got your phone. You can have it back if you're sober again.” Usopp says, holding it up and eyeing him suspiciously.

 

“Give it, why do you have it anyway?” Zoro snorts and takes it back, it's not like Usopp could really stop him.

 

“I was saving you from making bad decisions. You decided that you were going to talk to your friend drunk and you were starting to say some things you'd regret.” Usopp tells him and Zoro frowns and opens skype.

 

Zoro reads. Zoro reminds himself that murder is a crime and there is no wifi in prison.

 

“You _told_ them that? And you think that's worse than what I was going to say?!” Zoro shouts, glaring at Usopp. He immediately regrets the shouting because that much noise inside of his skull is a bad thing.

 

“Hey, I thought that you were going to confess your love for them! That's what you looked like and where that conversation looked like it was going.” Usopp points out, looking a little pale but still standing his ground. Zoro is privately impressed and proud that Usopp has grown enough to do this kind of thing. He just wishes that it wasn't against him right now.

 

Zoro falls down onto the sofa and reads the messages over and over. Usopp didn't say that Zoro likes them but he managed to not say it in that chickenshit teenager not wanting to admit a crush kind of way. Zoro would be stunned if his friend didn't get the hint, but that's probably what Usopp was going for. Usopp thinks that Zoro should tell them how he feels, which is a stupid idea.

 

On the other hand though, his friend seems... concerned and kind of interested in his story. Only the whole thing makes him sound like he's so hung up on Sanji that he couldn't be interested in anyone else.

 

Zoro should probably message them and say something, at the very least he should say that he's not still passed out from drinking too much. His fingers hover over the screen and he tries to think of what to say.

 

_'I love you'_

_'I wish I knew where you lived so I could meet you'_

_'I want to know how you feel about me'_

 

Zoro smacks his phone into his face. He probably would have said some of that when he was drunk.

 

“Are you gonna tell them?” Usopp asks slowly and Zoro guesses that his thoughts must have been written all across his face.

 

Zoro doesn't say anything. There are a myriad of reasons not to say anything and very few to actually do it, no matter how much he wants to hear that his feelings are reciprocated.

 

“Not everyone is going to be like Sanji you know.” Usopp says quietly and then gets up to leave, evidently figuring that Zoro is better left on his own.

 

When Zoro's phone pings he nearly drops it in surprise.

 

 

**The Real Masterchef**

I'm going to be REAL pissed off if you're dead from alcohol poisoning.

 

 

Zoro bites his lip and forces down all of the things that he wants to say and knows that he shouldn't.

 

 

**3 blades**

If I was dead I wouldn't give a shit if you were pissed off or not

**The Real Masterchef**

Smartass.

How's that hangover going then?

**3 blades**

I don't have one really.

I'm tougher than that.

**The Real Masterchef**

Yeah right.

**3 blades**

I could outdrink you any time

**The Real Masterchef**

Unless we did some kind of skype drinking game I'm not sure how that'd work.

Also, bullshit you would.

You're the one who got your phone confiscated by your friend last night

**3 blades**

He needs to learn to shut his mouth

**The Real Masterchef**

He just seemed worried about you was all.

You probably didn't want him telling me all about your past though, huh?

**3 blades**

yeah

**The Real Masterchef**

Well, for the record

 

 

They stop writing and Zoro's attention perks up. What are they going to say to him or what was that going to be?

 

**3 blades**

?

**The Real Masterchef**

Don't you question mark me. That's not how you punctuate and you know it.

**3 blades**

!!!

**The Real Masterchef**

I hate you.

**3 blades**

I know

**The Real Masterchef**

What I was going to say was that despite your overwhelming flaws,

your annoying personality,

and your frankly awful disregard for good movies,

despite all of that

I think he's a shitty bastard for turning you down.

 

 

Zoro feels like someone just jammed a taser in his spine for the way it makes him jolt upright, his breath catch and his heart stop.

 

**The Real Masterchef**

But you're kind of an idiot if you asked him out again.

 

 

Zoro scowls, he's now back to the comfortable kind of irritation that he often has with this idiot. He doesn't know if they're just riling him to make things normal again or if they're really being an ass. He doesn't like it either way.

 

**3 blades**

I didn't.

And and no matter what the interfering idiot that I live with told you I never actually asked him before

I started and before I could get to actually asking he laughed in my face at the idea of anyone wanting to be with me.

So I didn't ask him again, he just said the same thing was all.

So I'm not an idiot and I've got better shit to do than talk to you about this.

 

 

Zoro is probably being petty, but he never wanted his past dragged up in front of the guy- (or the person? What's the right word?) that he likes. It's just drawing unpleasant parallels between them and Zoro is practically allergic to pity and he does not want any from them.

 

 

**The Real Masterchef**

Hey, wait I didn't mean it like that!

 

Zoro turns off his skype and stalks off to get changed and go beat the shit out of something at the gym and sweat off the last of his hangover at the same time. That'll take the edge off of how he feels.

 


	14. Chapter 14

Ever since Sanji screwed up by trying to talk to 3blades about the guy who turned him down Sanji has been really careful not to bring anything like that up again. In all honesty Sanji is glad that 3blades is still talking to them. Sanji had been selfishly hoping to slide in the subtle hint that the guy who threw 3blades feelings back in his face was an idiot and Sanji wouldn't be an idiot like that. Sanji would love for 3blades to feel that way towards them. Either way it seems that Sanji blew their chance, at least for the reasonable future all because they can't say things without accidentally insulting him. Maybe it's for the best though, Sanji doesn't even know where he lives or what his real name is.

 

Things have only just started feeling normal again and Sanji is semi obsessively trying to find interesting things to bring up that cannot possibly be contentious, or at least not in a bad way. Sanji refreshes tumblr and finds that 3blades has reblogged a vine, only it's one of Usopp's ones. The last time that Sanji had coffee with Usopp the guy showed his entire channel. They're all a little weird but it's cool to see Usopp putting his artistic talents to good use. He's evidently got pretty popular if they've filtered down to the slowest people on the internet, namely 3blades who has just reblogged one.

 

Except... except he's claimed that he's friends with the guy.

 

**The Real Masterchef**

Do you know him online or something?

**3 blades**

Some people say hi first

and who are you talking about?

**The Real Masterchef**

The guy who made that vine

**3 blades**

Nah, I know him in meatspace

**The Real Masterchef**

Do you HAVE to call it that?

It's so gross.

And really? Because so do I

We've been friends for years.

**3 blades**

bullshit.

I live with the guy.

**The Real Masterchef**

Okay, you're not a liar

Not unless it's to piss me off anyway.

Like lying by saying that you hate films that are really great.

**3 blades**

I don't lie

Also you still have shit taste in films

**The Real Masterchef**

Ha ha fuck you.

I'm serious though, there's no way that you know him and you sure and shit don't live with him.

**3 blades**

I do.

**The Real Masterchef**

What. Look, just admit that you said something that wasn't true

I'm assuming that you were going down some kind of... I don't know, practical joke or something

But I actually know him, so just drop it

**3 blades**

Not funny.

I live with him.

**The Real Masterchef**

Fine, I'll be right there and prove that you don't.

 

 

Sanji shoves their phone back in their jeans and stomps over to the door, grabbing keys and wallet on the way. Sanji doesn't have a car but Usopp and Zoro's place is only about fifteen minutes walk away, ten at a brisk angry march. Skype pings a few times along the way but Sanji ignores it.

 

When Sanji makes it to Usopp's building and up the stairs it only takes a few loud and forceful knocks for Zoro to appear at the door. Sanji shoulders their way in, not even bothering to say hi. In the middle of the living room Sanji pulls their phone back out, ignoring Zoro's 'oi!' at being shoved past. Sanji would have expected yelling from Zoro too but Sanji doesn't care right now.

 

**The Real Masterchef**

Oh hey, check it out, I'm here now and you're not. Ready to admit that you lied yet?

 

Sanji looks up at the sound of a phone pinging and turns to see Zoro with his phone in his hand. Zoro is looking at it numbly and then up at Sanji. Sanji stares at him and then mashes a few letters on their screen before hitting send and hearing Zoro's phone ping again.

 

“YOU?!” Sanji screeches and points a finger at him.

 

“Fuck. Again? This isn't even funny.” Zoro mutters and tosses his phone at the couch before dropping onto it himself.

 

“Again? What's that supposed to mean?” Sanji asks in confusion but Zoro just shakes his head and doesn't answer. Zoro's not even looking at Sanji and maybe that's okay for now because Sanji's still trying to pull all coherent parts of their brain back together.

 

3blades is Zoro. Sanji has been inside Zoro's bedroom briefly before and knows full well about the three swords mounted on the wall there, that's probably what the idiot was looking at when he made his account. But to think that instead of being who knows where in the world he's right here near Sanji and holy shit, now Sanji might actually have a shot here. Sanji actually might have a chance with 3- with Zoro, assuming that Zoro can get past...

 

“Hey, who was the asshole that turned you down?” Sanji asks as the thought occurs. Zoro looks at Sanji with surprise and then shuts his eyes and sighs but says nothing.

 

“I'm not talking to myself here, shit for brains.” Sanji tells him flatly but Zoro offers no further help, in fact Zoro looks like he wants to lie face down on the floor and never move or speak to anyone ever again.

 

“Fine, I can work it out. His- I mean your friend who I guess was Usopp said that you'd known him since you were a teenager so it must be someone that I at least know of, right? And that night was when we were out drinking was the night that you and then he messaged me.” Sanji says as they walk through it idea by idea.

 

“Hah, I'd been trying to resist talking to you so that I could be social and spend time with my friends who weirdly included you. It's still weird to think of you both as at same person.” Sanji smiles and sees Zoro wince though Sanji has no idea why.

 

“I'm not talking about this.” Zoro says flatly and begins to walk away towards their kitchen.

 

“H-hey! You can't just walk off! I want to know who it was. He must have been there, right? But I didn't see anyone, I talked to you and then you stalked off in a huff and got drunk with Nami because I just-” Sanji's voice cuts out.

 

Sanji had mocked Zoro about liking someone, had laughed and said who would ever feel the same. And then Zoro had gone off and got trashed in a drinking competition with Nami in a way that he almost never does.

 

“Me? Was it me? Was I the ungrateful asshole that you liked, the one who didn't deserve you?” Sanji asks in a quiet voice and from the way that Zoro goes tense all over Zoro doesn't need to confirm it with words.

 

“But I don't remember you ever asking me to date you.” Sanji says weakly and Zoro looks backwards over his shoulder and glares at them.

 

“Yeah, you didn't let me get that far and you not remembering it doesn't make that feel better. Forget it Sanji, it was years ago.” Zoro says and walks off into the kitchen and out of sight.

 

Sanji pauses for a second or two and then gives chase. They find Zoro standing in front of the fridge retrieving a beer and maybe Sanji needs to talk to Zoro someday about not going to alcohol or painful exercise when he has emotional problems but that's a problem for a different day. Sanji looks at Zoro's back and reminds themselves that this is 3blades and it's Zoro too. This is the person online that Sanji has stupidly started falling for and it's the dumbass friend that they've had for years who always had their back even when they fought like cat and dog.

 

“That means that I've been jealous of myself though. Because I hated that shitty bastard who treated you that way because you still liked him and not me, and I tried to tell you that he couldn't possibly deserve you and that I wished that you'd feel that way about me. But apparently I'm that shitty bastard. I know that it must mean that I don't deserve you even if you'd still think of me like that but I've started falling in love with this argumentative asshole on the internet who has shit taste in films and argues with me and calls me on my shit when I'm being an idiot.” Sanji blurts out in one long stream. Sanji isn't even sure how much of that made sense.

 

Sanji stares at the floor and keeps talking because damnit, they're no good at this shit. Sanji is going to fully blame Zeff for their lack of social skills but it's just so hard to say shit like this without yelling it or having an argument.

 

“I never knew that you felt anything for me, in... hah, in 'meatspace' if we're going to use your stupid term for it. I wouldn't have laughed at you if you'd actually said it. I'm just so used to arguing with you that it's what I always do. But you do it too so I'd never thought that you have feelings like that for me. Or had feelings for me, I guess that you don't any more.” Sanji says, getting quieter the more that they speak.

 

Sanji has a sick and hollow feeling inside. Sanji had wanted this so badly, still does, but apparently had screwed it up years ago without even knowing it. Usually Sanji gets into relationships and then screws them up, not the other way around. Sanji looks at Zoro's back, the man isn't even looking at Sanji. Sanji is pretty sure that Zoro will at least keep talking to them in person but Sanji wouldn't be surprised if 3blades stopped speaking to them.

 

“I'm... sorry.” Sanji says quietly. Sanji doesn't apologise a lot, preferring to be someone who sticks by their decisions and they almost never apologise to Zoro but this is different.

 

“You probably don't even want me here. I just burst into your place and- I'll just... go.” Sanji trails off and Zoro still doesn't look around. Zoro doesn't say anything or move and that's as much of an answer as Zoro outright telling them to leave.

 

Sanji exits the kitchen and walks through the living room and opens the front door. Sanji looks back but there's no Zoro calling after them, asking them to stay or say that they can both move past this.

 

Sanji leaves and shuts the door after themselves. Sanji pauses and looks down at their phone and scrolls back through skype. Past the conversation where Sanji accused 3blades... accused Zoro of lying they were previously arguing about a new movie coming out. Sanji had been daydreaming about how nice it would be if they lived close to each other and then they could see it together.

 

Sanji jams their earbuds in and hits play, hoping to drown out all of those unpleasant thoughts with music as they walk away from Zoro's place. But because fate is terrible the song is the last thing that Sanji was listening to, 3blades' song, Zoro's song. Now that Sanji knows it's Zoro's voice it becomes more obvious. Zoro is a better singer than Sanji knew but here and there Sanji can pick out the particular cadence and tone of Zoro's baritone.

 

“ _Sometimes it's hard to tell_

_If you even notice me_

_Maybe it's just as well_

_It's better you don't see”_

 

Sanji has to face the fact that 'utter bastard' is a good descriptor of them, Zoro had tried to offer everything and Sanji had been too focused on being shitty to him to see it. Sanji yanks the headphones out and stares up at the sky blinking furiously because Sanji is not going to fucking cry about this. Sanji is yanked backwards by a hand on the collar of their shirt.

 

“Are you serious about being sorry? And about wanting me?” Zoro asks and Sanji turns to see Zoro staring intently at them.

 

“So serious.” Sanji says, swallowing thickly. Zoro nods thoughtfully and Sanji's heart hammers hard.

 

“Come on then, I'm not having this conversation out in the street.” Zoro says and turns and heads right back to his home. Sanji stands there for a numb moment before rushing like mad to catch up.

 

Zoro gets to the front door and reaches into his pocket for the key and Sanji gets to watch Zoro's face go from casual to alarmed and then increasingly more so as he searches his other pockets.

 

“You see this is why I have a set of keys to your place because this has to be the tenth time you've locked yourself out like a fucking moron.” Sanji sighs and pulls the keys on the chain at their belt out.

 

“Aren't you supposed to be all meek and sorry?” Zoro points out and Sanji winces, for a moment Sanji had forgotten everything and fallen back into the normal routine of harassing Zoro for fun. But then Sanji did that with both of them, 3blades and Zoro, it's just turned out that they were the same person.

 

“I am sorry, but I've never been meek.” Sanji says slowly and unlocks the door.

 

“Hm, good.” Zoro says after a moment and then goes in first with Sanji following after. Zoro turns right around as soon as Sanji is inside and backs Sanji up against the door. Zoro peers at Sanji, his dark gold eyes narrowed in judgement.

 

“Did you mean all of that? About falling in love with me?” Zoro asks, direct as always. Sanji nods furiously, not trusting themselves not to say anything fucking stupid and screw this up again.

 

“Hm, okay.” Zoro says, clarifying nothing. But before Sanji can point that out Zoro leans in and kisses Sanji. Sanji's heart leaps and Sanji's entire body lights up like a fireworks show with sparks flaring out over every nerve. Sanji is getting kissed by the guy that they've just recently fallen in love with and by the friend that has stood by Sanji's side for years, even if sometimes it was just to get the best seat to jab Sanji in the ribs. What more could Sanji possibly ask for?

 

“I've been wanting to do that for ages, to both of you.” Zoro says quietly and Sanji smiles, feeling unbelievably lucky.

 

“We're very happy about that.” Sanji answers with a grin and kisses Zoro again. Lucky indeed.


	15. Chapter 15

Usopp sneaks into Zoro's room, this is going to make for the very best vine. Zoro is always such a grouch when he first wakes up that it'll be perfect on camera. He's already filming on his phone as he goes in. He flicks on the light and sneaks up to Zoro's bed, he takes a deep breath.

 

“WAKE UP SLEEPY-HEAD!” He shouts loudly.

 

“Ugh, what time is-” Zoro groans, covering his eyes. That's not what gets Usopp's attention though, it's the other person who sits up in bed, blonde hair over one eye and the other blinking blearily at him.

 

“The fuck man?” Sanji grumbles.

 

“OH-ho-hooo!” Usopp half gasps and half laughs, covering his mouth with one hand as he rushes from the room. Screw editing, this is just going to get cut to the right length and sent straight up on vine before Zoro and Sanji can catch him and stop him. This is amazing!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to see the vine that I based Usopp's off of then have a look here: https://vine.co/v/ee51r1g3xaZ


End file.
